Wednesday, August 10, 2011

Wow... this company could probably tell some tales...

All virtues are less formidable to us once the man is aware that he has them, but this is specially true of humility. Catch him at the moment when he is really poor in spirit and smuggle into his mind the gratifying reflection, "By jove! I'm being humble", and almost immediately pride - pride at his own humility - will appear. If he awakes to the danger and tries to smother this new form of pride, make him proud of his attempt - and so on, through as many stages as you please.

But don't try this too long, for fear you awake his sense of humour and proportion, in which case he will merely laugh at you and go to bed.
- C.S. Lewis, The Screwtape Letters

Applied for a job online. After I submitted my résumé, I wound up in a site where I had to answer page after page of questions about myself. At the start of the questionnaire, I was warned solemnly that I had to be careful to answer every question honestly, as they "were able to tell if someone was being untruthful." After I'd answered a few questions, I started to notice a trend. See if you can spot it:

Page 1 - Do I use illegal drugs (for example: meth, crystal, ecstasy, heroin, morphine, crack, etc.) other than marijuana [all the time, often, sometimes, never]?

Page 2 - Do I use meth [all the time, often, sometimes, never]?

Page 3 - Do I use amphetamines [all the time, often, sometimes, never]?

Page 4 - Do I use cocaine [all the time, often, sometimes, never]?

Page 5 - Do I show up at work after using illegal drugs [all the time, often, sometimes, never]?

I mean it went on and on like this. If they'd just asked once, I would have thought nothing of it. But they went on at such length that it became first insulting then absurdly funny. I learned a lot of new slang words for meth (crank, speed, crystal-meth, ice, chalk, glass). After a while, the trend of the questions changed.

Page 6 - Do I think that people who are being disrespectful to me deserve a punch [all the time, often, sometimes, never]?

Page 7 - How frequently do I punch people at work [all the time, often, sometimes, never]?

Um... y'know... I don't think I want to work at this company after all. Never mind, guys. Thanks all the same.

Exercise du jour: 20 minutes with Michael Rhoda-Bhote. See how well Damn Knee likes that instead of the elliptical. Fail. Turns out that getting onto the rower involves a certain degree of knee bendiness. Who knew.


Spilling Ink said...

If only I'd have thought to ask these kinds of questions when I was interviewing candidates in the past few weeks.

JavaChick said...

Ha ha! I don't think I'd want to work for that company either.

McB said...

I'm curious how they want you to answer page 5. If you say you never show up at work after using illegal drugs, what is it you are admitting to? I don't think there's a right answer for that one.

The Merry said...

Oh, I hadn't thought of that. It's a "when did you stop beating your wife?" type of question.

Kelly the Happy Texan said...

Those are real questions? The first one seems almost like a trick question. "other than marijuana." So if I say never am I admitting that I do use marijuana? Jeez. Imagine who the coworkers would be!

messymimi said...

Scary that they have to ask these things, and scary to think how they interpret the trick questions.

A simple, "Will you submit to a drug test before employment and random drug testing while employed" might save them a lot of time.

C said...

Sounds like a place with some quality colleagues. Crikey...

Shelley said...

What is this world coming to? Crazy, crazy questionnaire. And how many drug abusers have they hired in the past that necessitated this?

LaShaune said...

I HATE those lame PeopleSoft questionnaires. And if the folks I worked with had to take that survey, it would be me and boss alone!

Yes, I punch my co-workers (verbally) almost daily because only 2 other people understand my sense of humor.

Anonymous said...

Um, ew. Deargawd yes, keep looking!

Andrea @ The Skinny Chronicles said...

Definitely not a good sign. Oh my!

At least it was good for a few laughs (after the fact).